In an attempt..

...to maintain perspective, I have continued my membership on the dating site. It's an effort to keep some eggs out of the proverbial basket. And it is interesting. Now that I don't care, other men seem to care. An old flame has been in touch.. and back out. Two more have thrown in lines to see if I bite, or will bite.

Inyourarms2nite wanted to know what I have been up to lately and if I would be interested in going out again. Seems to me we had one date, went back to his place, and I never heard from him again.. until now. My response to this was sure.. but we are not sleeping together. And then he cancelled out two weeks in a row. So much for  inMYarms2nite! The last cancellation was because he cut himself shaving. I'm thinking it must have been a cut to the carotid artery. It's a wonder he was able to communicate at all. 

Next in line was am_just_terrific, from Jersey Shore, PA.. not "THE Jersey Shore" he tells me. I swear most folks just think we girls are dumb. He also wonders if I want to know how he ended up living there... duh.. born there? yes! within 10 miles. Toughest quiz I ever passed.. lord save me from the comics. I also learned how the town came to be named.. all this, without really asking. If this is ever a trivia question in a game I am playing, my friends will be amazed and impressed by my useless knowledge.

Finally, this very morning, I heard from hersheydoc58 who says he has a post-doctoral degree yet he cannot figure out how to hide his pictures from the general public on the dating site. He says he has not posted a picture because his account was hacked and he cannot take the risk professionally.. you know, having his photos appear at work. Makes me wonder what kind of work he does and why someone so smart can't come up with better passwords. Hersheydoc is also named Naz, and although he asked for my name, he called me by a nickname. What is that all about? He wants my email or phone number so that he can either mail or text me a photo. Now, if protecting oneself professionally is a concern and should be a concern of mine as well, why does he only communicate with gals who have pictures and why would he want to share personal information - after all, an email has a return address and a text has a return phone number. Are all men this stupid?? Post-doctoral? Really? Being smarter than the average joe - post-doctoral or otherwise - is both a blessing and a curse. Needless to say, he dropped me like a rock when I pointed this out.

But, as we all know, life goes on and the old flame is back in the picture. So what am I doing? I am trying to not leap in with both feet this time, at least not yet. I am trying to distract myself.. trying on clothes that I know won't fit so I can feel better about purchasing the great looking, expensive outfit. I am amusing myself with misfits, thinking it will keep me from diving in headfirst.. but really.. 


As always,
A. tan Gledmess..

Make up Sex..

Well now, this is a first.. make up sex. Who knew?! Truthfully, a lot of you probably did, but I didn't.

You may recall I kept the shoes. And after twenty days (he was counting - not me), he called and suggested we meet. Twenty days. I had given it up for over, and had come up with all kinds of reasons to count my blessings.. after all, the man is crazy. And no one chases me or makes up after a break up - not in my world.

The shoes had taken up residence in the backseat of my car. They were comfortable there. I was getting used to them hanging out, and all was right in my world. Then, the phone rang. I was invited to lunch.. and an exchange.. my few toiletries for his shoes. Shallow Bi-otch that I am, I agreed. A free meal is still a free meal. Besides, I was already back on the dating scene. There was no remorse. No regrets. I had instigated the grand reunion in November and it was over. Fini. Done. Life always goes on.

Two hours at the restaurant, followed by an hour of standing and talking in the parking lot, we were back.. to my house, to dinner, to bed. Oooh-la-la. You know this would be so much easier if the sex was not so good. The man is a god in the bedroom. My body sings, whistles, and hums.. I become a virtual kazoo in his hands. Putty to his touch. Mold me, shape me, take me! It's sad really, and if I were a more mature, complete person I would say "no, please no.. don't... " But, alas I am not. I am a middle aged, sex starved woman. I have been to so many funerals over the past few years, that all I can think about is that if I were to die tomorrow, would I want my epitaph to say "She only wanted to do it once more" or "She went out with a smile"? 

 I'll let you mull that one over while I go back to my mulled wine.. and yes, for the record, we are seeing one another this weekend and he is making plans for us on Valentine's Day. We shall see where it all leads. 

Someone just needs to remind me that all this is one day at a time.

As Always,
 A. Tan Gledmess... 

   

Who's To Blame...?

I've been on a fence for the past few weeks.. to write about the great break up or not (that is the question), but a barrage of texts this morning make me believe the titles Pete and Repeat or What was I Thinking were holding me up. The man who wanted me to give up dating and writing about it has dumped me, but I did not dump on him as a result. I'm not sure I ever blame the other guy. After all, the common denominator is me. Given the barrage of texts I received this morning, he does, however, think I am (he is?) blaming him, and spreading vile information about him as well. 

What is that all about? 

His texts indicate he also believes my moral compass is askew.. you see, I have not yet returned his shoes.

The plain and ugly truth? This is not his fault. Nor do I believe it is mine. It simply is. I certainly do deserve some blame here though. I could have left well enough alone; after all I am the one that opened the can of worms. I did call him and invite him back into my life. That whole closure stuff is way overrated.

 What was I thinking?

 Remind me to never, ever do that again! I know now why we never made a permanent thing of it long ago and far away. We are just too different in our approaches to life and living. I am living out loud and he lives quietly, surreptitiously undercover. Certainly not a match made in heaven.. though it could be one in hell.  I can, however, safely and confidently say it was fun.. again.. while it lasted.

And yes, I am dating again. Heck, why not? I still enjoy meeting new people and trying new things.. though I am currently unsure about how many more new things there are out there. Well meaning friends tell me that Mr Right-For-Me is out there,.. well maybe he is and maybe he is not. I am not looking for that. Marriage is a nice idea. Not sure it is the option I should be choosing anytime soon or late(r). I make a pretty good single woman when all is said and done. I don't come with instructions and that gets pretty confusing for the men I meet. 

So, for now.. let it be known it is not his fault and that I shall not look back again. It was fun. It was wild. And life goes on... speaking of which, I had a dinner date last night.. it was a bit like deja vu... and as it turns out, for good reason! He and I also dated before.. only once to my recollection. I was so impressive too - he has absolutely no memory of it whatsoever (at least as near as I can tell).  Maybe this should be called Pete and Repeat. I need to keep better lists.

As always,

~A. Tan Gledmess 

ps... I do plan to mail back the shoes, if only to keep my moral compass straight...

 

Fanning the Flames...

The definition of insanity that I like best includes doing things the same old way and expecting new results. I can certainly attest to the fact that, in my life, doing things the same way has mostly resulted in the same endings.. though,the details in between beginnings and endings have been interesting and varied, the end result was me. Alone. Unsatisfied. Incomplete. 

I am trying something new. I made the call. I stuck my neck out. I am taking a chance and putting myself out there. He could have ignored me. He could have let it all go... but...

he called me back and, after the call, found me on Facebook. I gave him carte blanch to my Facebook wall.. and there he has access to this blog as well as another one I have been writing, Beginning at the End. This is certainly new territory for me. And, I have an idea as to how he may react to it all... It could be I am completely blowing a great possibility by revealing too much about me. But, you know, secrets are hard to keep and usually get found out. Perhaps it is better to put it all out there, up front. Take the plunge.. and give him the chance to take it too, if he likes. Dive once more into that deep end of the very warm pool..

The flame.. never quite went out. It was put on hold. For a lot of years. By me.  At the time, I wanted

 an opportunity to meet someone who would love me so much they would put everything on the line. I wanted to see if there was, by chance, someone out there who would want to marry me. 

Six years later, I haven't met that guy - or, to rephrase that - I haven't found a guy I want to marry. I already had what I wanted, I just didn't know it at the time. You never know what you've lost until it's gone? Maybe.

Today, I am happy to end the grand 50 First Dates experiment. I want to do 50 gasps, as he touches my skin, holds my hand in his. I want the 50 Oh. My. God.s as he takes me to those places that only he has been able to take me. I want 50 of those kisses.. all over. I want 50 whispered conversations deep in the night. I want 50 times that 50 and more. I want to be held, I want to hold. I want to trust. I want to take a chance again - with my heart and soul, and trust his heart, his soul, and
                                                      other delicious parts of his delightful body... 

And, do you know what is really awesome? He wants it too ...

Sincerely, and gratefully yours,

A. Tan Gledmess....  

 ~every reader, every supporter has been a very important part of this experiment. I thank you for your commentsm and participation, your eyes and minds. I may be insane, but I am not there alone  :)