Lonely Days and Lonely NIghts

I've lost track of time, but time has definitely passed.. days, weeks, months. Eight months in, and one dinner date weeks and weeks ago. I am definitively single. Again.

The question is whether to get back on a saddle again or not. So far, I've been leaning toward not. Pickings are slim, to be sure. Retirement is on a horizon (4 years out) and I certainly don't want to be tied to a place. Still, a lover would be nice.

So.. how does one go about finding  a lover? It's not exactly a question you can ask on a bar stool.. or maybe that's exactly what it is. Still, I'm a tad uncomfortable sliding up next to some good looking dude and saying "hey there. Want a lover for a few years?". It seems gauche to say the least. And I am certainly past my own prime, so what does that leave me? Old farts, drunks, and desperadoes. 

I could go online ... again..... sigh. But no. I'm tired of introducing myself, and the grand adventure a few years ago certainly did not result in any great discoveries. That's out to be sure. Not only would it be painful, I have a feeling the same guys that were there before are there still.. and truthfully, a fair number of them were married. Second Chair is not my place.

I suppose I am left to my own devices.

What's a Girl Gonna Do...

The relationship with Mr T, aka The Old Flame, seems to be a given for the time being. I'm still not convinced that he is a committed kind of guy, at least not for the long run, but I could be wrong. I've been wrong before.. as you all know... and then, of course, there is me. Could be I need to learn how to pick 'em. One hates to throw stones, in any case. For the time being, however, this is a great thing and I am enjoying myself more than any girl has a right to enjoy herself. Decadence may become my middle name after all.. perhaps I am D. Eca Dence rather than A. Tan Gledmess.. bears some thought.

The past couple of months, my silence has not been because I have nothing to say, but more because I have not had the time to say it. I also find that happiness breeds silence, contentment. I am off dating sites completely now- having neither the time nor the inclination to search further than my own backyard. As Auntie Em said, sometimes what we are looking for is there all along. I was thrilled to find he was still there.. and that he was willing and able to meet me halfway, all the way. I find the men on the dating sites tedious and uninteresting now. And, truth be told, the same guys are still hanging around there. I have a $100 that says they'll still be around in 5 years. Talk about folks who don't commit! I am inclined to believe in that old bird in hand cliche', especially when the bird in hand has me in his! 

Take this past week, for instance...

Having a day off midweek placed some time on my hands, so I placed myself in his. Now, Mr. T, he works midnights, so what would be an Afternoon Delight for some (me included), is his evening of fun and games. And you know, games are not like they used to be because these games are infused with love and tenderness. He handles me with expert care. He touches those parts of me that even I didn't know existed. He teases, he dares, he withholds until I am ready to go completely out of my mind, and then he blows my mind, over and over and over again. I can't breathe. I can't think. I certainly can't walk. And just when I think I have caught my breath, he is taking me to infinity and beyond all over again (yea, it's like that!). I am in awe of his expertise. I am in awe of his sense of me, his knowledge of my body and my mind. I am in awe. 

He has me tied up in so many ways...
 
What is a girl to do? He makes me crazy. He makes me whole. He arouses me like no one has ever done before and perhaps as no one should have a right to do to another human being. He makes me an addict, a junkie, a girl in need of a fix.. on a regular basis. The simple pleasure of toys are no longer so pleasurable until they are also in his hands. Fifty Shades of Grey has nothing on this man. In fact, Mr. Grey is weak and a non-expert in such matters. Mr Grey is put to shame alongside Mr. T.

I make him crazy too. I may drive him out of his mind... but truth is, I am not always sure it is in a good way. Oh, now, there is no doubt that I know how to handle this man. I do know what floats his boat, so to speak, and am gaining the confidence to show him what I like, what I want, what I need without the fear of being shamed or criticized, and I like it. He likes it. But I also think that there are times when I am too much; times when he needs to pull back and regroup. I have lived in the daylight for my entire life. Mr. T lives in darkness. Working midnights does not give a man much time to explore the world; the people who rush through the hours have time to do this before dark. Working midnights allows him to stay in the shadows...

And I am not a shadow girl. I am a dance-in-the-daylight, play-in-the-dark, run-with-the-wind kind of girl at times. He and I - Oil and water? Sand and stone? Night and day. We both need to learn to be ok with those differences. I need to know how to gentle him out to the light, and he needs to not fear the flame that I sometimes project. It's a journey this time, wrought with potholes and detours, and a few do-not-disturb signs.. but I want it. He wants it.. I hope. I think. I know it's gonna be worth it, is worth it, and is a wonderful thing.

What's a girl to do?  

 
As always....

       A. Tan Gledmess... 

Now, Where Was I...

before I was so rudely interrupted? Ah, yes, back in the fire again, and happy to be there, I might add! After a bit of a SNAFU with a friend who was helping me out by promoting my blog, things seem to be returning to a familiar form of normal here. So sad when others cannot help but put blinders on when it comes to viewing real life. What is one to do? I simply choose to be happy. Such a simple thing and yet so difficult for so many.

But, given that the Old Flame is the New Flame, and with any luck, an Everlasting Flame, smiling and being happy is becoming very comfortable. Add to that, some unexpected holiday time, and I am one very happy camper. Given that I have also surrendered the key to my heart and soul (not to mention access to this blog), The Man of the Moment, the Week, the Year (perhaps a Lifetime?), things must be serious.. deliriously so. Wild Thing.. he makes my heart sing.. loud and clear. He does make everything groovy... Now I wonder if all this praise will give him a big head? Oooh.. maybe that is not such a bad thing?? 

As it turns out, he does have the key to my heart and my soul, and the address of this blog. Does this mean no secrets? Not necessarily, but it does mean that there is nothing about me that I want to hide from him. I want him to know my hopes, my dreams. I want to bare my soul (among other things) to his eyes and heart. I want him to know me, to love me, and to trust me to love him.. I want it all, baby.. I want it all...

Holy Geeze.... this is turning into a love story!

Until next time... as always,

A. Tan Gledmess

running amok...

Dating site memberships are coming to the end of their contracts and the time to determine what I am doing is on the table.. it does get discouraging. As easy as it is to make light of it all and fun of many of them, the truth is I am beginning to wonder what the point of it all might be .. after all, toys are mildly satisfying and sometime more satisfying than the men I am meeting. UGh.. when did sex become such drudgery and so vanilla? A little flavoring is always nice - some fudge, caramel, cherries and nuts spice up a Sundae, why not allow a little crazy in the door? I blame novels for this - the pitfalls of enjoying novels filled with erotic smut, I suppose. This summer I get to blame Shades of Gray - the trilogy. Hot steamy sex.. I like that. need it. want it. Even the men I am meeting are not into it these days. What happened to the joy of lovemaking anyway? I absolutely refuse to believe I am too old for this!

After informing Mr In and Out that hickies are off the table, there has been absolute silence - though I can see he is still looking at me online. God bless dating sites that let you know who the voyeurs are .. and one would think if a man looks at you numerous times, saying hello would simply be the polite thing to do. On the other hand, we have Mr Meet and Great who acts like the starving puppy - afraid that he must charge right in - cave man style (or is that bulldozer?) and shove into me over and over again - never saying  a word and then wondering why A) I am not responding and B) he is not getting off.. or is that old age?? He can't let it fly like he once did but also lacks the stamina for the long haul. Sad to say, all I can think about lately is that there is all that mess for nada,, such a shame. If there was something in me - willing and able to be the counselor, the sex therapist, I could maybe deal with it all, but alas, I simply want to be ravaged and enthralled. Too much to hope for I suppose.., though there have been a few that really rocked my world. And I have discovered that men who play with guns seem to have a bit more verve! They have spoiled me, to be sure. I want that.. too much to ask?

can we say NO! NO!

So, how do I order a man? This strikes me as a little more than simply a mail order bride.. I want great, eye popping, fireworks yielding, wet, gushing sex along with hand holding, cuddles on the couch and comfortable silences.. seems like an easy request, doesn't it? And I wish I could advertise it.. but alas, simple minded creatures that most men appear to be, they see only the sex and think whore with no payments.. ok, maybe a dinner and some flowers. And can we schedule a night- date night (Wednesdays) and weekends, and usually my place - saves them from cooking and cleaning I suppose. I might even feel better about this if they paid the bills. Was I always meant to be the kept mistress? Is this what I was in a previous life? Perhaps this is simply the rambling of a woman awake way past her usual bedtime. After all, if I am going to be up after 2am, I should be having more fun!

 out side the box

So, the beat either goes on or it ends.. and I drift gracefully into celibacy.. wish I was better at that to be sure..

any words of advice there, faithful readers? I seem to have hit a slump....

As always,
A. Tan Gledmess