Lonely Days and Lonely NIghts

I've lost track of time, but time has definitely passed.. days, weeks, months. Eight months in, and one dinner date weeks and weeks ago. I am definitively single. Again.

The question is whether to get back on a saddle again or not. So far, I've been leaning toward not. Pickings are slim, to be sure. Retirement is on a horizon (4 years out) and I certainly don't want to be tied to a place. Still, a lover would be nice.

So.. how does one go about finding  a lover? It's not exactly a question you can ask on a bar stool.. or maybe that's exactly what it is. Still, I'm a tad uncomfortable sliding up next to some good looking dude and saying "hey there. Want a lover for a few years?". It seems gauche to say the least. And I am certainly past my own prime, so what does that leave me? Old farts, drunks, and desperadoes. 

I could go online ... again..... sigh. But no. I'm tired of introducing myself, and the grand adventure a few years ago certainly did not result in any great discoveries. That's out to be sure. Not only would it be painful, I have a feeling the same guys that were there before are there still.. and truthfully, a fair number of them were married. Second Chair is not my place.

I suppose I am left to my own devices.

Single Again

Wow.. it has been quite a while since I last posted here. Life has been busy? In reality, I was steady-with-an-Eddie (not his real name, of course), and had promised to not post about our relationship while we were in it. But, the party is over and all bets are off. It was, indeed, fun while it lasted. A lot of fun at times (ooh-la-la).

So, what is it about a relationship that is so hard? I thought I was capable of an 80/20, even a 90/10 cut - with me giving the greater amount - for awhile. Sadly, reciprocation was not only not forthcoming; he simply became mean. Mean words. Mean acts. Apologies only carry one so far. As for him.. I wish I knew. His final shot was that I was simply convenient. The fact that he pulled this out of his hat in my house was a bit appalling. No one puts Baby in the corner? huh! No one gets to say cruel things to me in my house. Not anymore. Not ever. Been there, did that - hated it.


Now, don't misunderstand, he was not physically abusive. In fact, one of the things that kept me hanging on was the physical! It was phenomenal, and I am nothing if not a sucker (pun intended??) for good sex. Baby, Baby, Can't You Hear My Heart Beat!

I may be full circle again, but it is not without some good stories to tell, and a feeling that most of the time was time well spent. The question is, where to go from here...

WTH?

So, I thought I could do this, fall into a relationship all about sex and fun. But I forgot about love and affection. Turns out I need that. And all the time, I thought it was want. 

I could ask a million questions - all of which have no answers. Of course, we could also make shit up. Humans are good at that. We like reason. We like rationalization. I wish I did. I find no solace in platitudes; and apologies have become meaningless. As a song lyric once said they roll on the floor til
you sweep them away... I need a broom.

As it turns out, I fell in love with a man that does not love.

 I wonder if chicken soup is as comforting for this as it is for a bad cold. And when does my immune system kick in?